Esther and me. Its been quite long since we both took photo together. BEcause most of the times we were busy shopping together. hahaha. We must go travel one day and take LOTS of photos!

I seriously don’t understand. Why I can’t do anything and make decision on my own?

Firstly, I want to go Johor. Its just the shopping mall after the Malaysia Checkpoint. But it was not approve. Reason : Its dangerous. If you want to go, then I ask aunt to bring us there. Until now, I haven’t even step in Malaysia. WTF.

Now I want to go Batam with my colleagues. And it was rejected again. Reason : You are still a child in my heart. Jeff is going, I won’t let you go. Got Indians, I won’t let you go. WTF. Isn’t it better to have Jeff to look after me? Or she would rather I go myself which is impossible that she will allow.

In the past, wherever we want to go, we would have to wait for her to bring us there. Because we still don’t know how to earn money and was still so young. But now, I’m 21 and earning my own money, yet, I still cannot go anywhere I want. Its mum who said that we can go anywhere we want when we grow up. Then when are we really a grown up to her? When we are 30? Or 40? I think she is just jealous that we are having fun on our own and not with her.

She wouldn’t bring us oversea, and when we have the ability to go ourselves without having to spend her money, without having to trouble her, she still doesn’t allow us to go. WTF. If she has brought us to other countries every year, I think we would not have such problems. This has always been a BIG problem in our family. Dad and mum are just too unwilling to let us go. Then if I couldn’t go to Batam this time, I will make sure that sis cannot go Taiwan next year. I swear. Because she is younger than me and that’s no way she can go when I am struck in Singapore. If I am a child in mum’s heart, then she is a baby.

Mum always thought that I am naïve, innocent, lazy and not serious. But the thing is I am not what she thinks. She thinks that I always let my colleague wait for me every morning. But what she does not know is that I am the one waiting for them. If I am what she thinks, would I be able to teach my students for straight 4 years? Would I be able to find a job straight after the previous one? This is just to show that she doesn’t understand and know me well enough after 21 years. I don’t know how I can make her trust me that I can take care of myself. Let my boss talk to her? Then? Seek for testimonials? Crap. She actually did allow sis to go clubbing. I totally can’t believe that. I went when I was 20. She went at the age of 19. I know I cannot just compare like that. But that is totally stupid. Her friends can be trusted, and yet my friends can’t? Maybe I should ask yim or qiyang to go clubbing together. I can take care of myself the moment I started giving tuition. If I don’t know how to look after myself, I would stayed at home and wait to spend her money. If I am not matured, I would not want to come out and earn money on my own isn’t it? And for god’s sake, I started earning my own money earlier than sis.

Many people for example, like mum and sis think that I am too materialized. They think I want branded goods, buy a lot of clothes, shoes and bags even though I have a lot already. And reason why I am like that because I cannot spend my money on leisure and travel. Yet I don’t want to save money in return for regrets. I don’t want any regrets in life. I can’t choose my parents and I can’t change their thinking. But I can control my own expenditure and money. Since I cannot choose to go overseas or not, at least I can choose what I want to buy. And I am damn serious when I said I want to buy an authentic LV wallet and a Cartier watch. DS too. If I am sure not going to Batam, then the money to go Batam will go to buying a DS. Since a DS is cheaper. I don’t mind spending the money to satisfy myself. Even though the DS might end up like my PSP, I don’t care.

I don’t want to be a mountain turtle where I haven’t been to anywhere. I am like being outcast by my colleagues. They are happily discussing the trip and yet I am left aside don’t know how to join in their conversation. In the long run, they would not ask me to go anywhere next time because they know I cannot join them. WTF. She is not helping me and instead she is getting me to be outcast by my colleagues and friends. Seriously, I can just listen to my colleagues and lie to her. But I didn’t. I told her the truth. But truth hurts. It hurts me. I couldn’t go because I told the truth. So maybe next time I should just listen to them and lie to her. Since the truth wouldn’t get me anywhere, then probably lies can. I ask for her permission because I respect her. Her disapproval will only make me become more rebellious and seriously, seriously, I do not need to seek for her approval, I can go ahead to do things before notifying her. Is that what she wants?

My colleagues said that I am street-smart. But it is only limited on the street in Singapore. That’s not what I want. I want to be street-smart in other countries’ streets as well. I want to train up my guts. Is it my parents’ pleasure that I stick to them whatever I do? Don’t they want me to be independent and strong? Then why is it that they didn’t do anything to train up my guts? Dad always goes out for fishing. When did he ever, ever concern about our well-being? I doubt he knows what I love most. I doubt he knows what color I like. Mum as well. She thought she knows me very well. But 屁. She doesn’t know a single thing. If she does, then she will not be reading my blog. I think it is the parents’ failure that they don’t know what their kids want.

I am not going to say that I hate my parents. Because I love them. But I just don’t understand and cannot stand their thinking. Have they ever ask themselves how long can they protect us? Can they make sure that nothing bad will happen to us? Can they make sure that on my way home today, I won’t meet any mishap? NO. Then how sure are they that mishaps might happen to me if I go Batam or Johor or Taiwan or anywhere? Will they have regrets that they did not allow me to go oversea if I die tomorrow? Maybe. But I am sure that their regrets would not be as much as mine.

I am so unhappy today. And I think these few days I am not going to cheer up. So I have to start spending again. This time round, brewerkz and all sorts of things.

P.S. This entry is totally for mum’s perusal. Please do let her know every single thing I wrote. And I know for sure, she is going to scold me for being so childish. She would NEVER examine herself. But I don’t care. I just want to get across what I want to let her know.

THat's the cute manfred.

Manfred & me